Markie Posts

Instead of witnessing the live kickassness (this is the word of the street) that is the Sounds for free at an all-age show last night - because I'd rather sit at home and unhinge my jaw in order to dump a metric ton of candy, Garfield-style, into my mouth than being crammed in a trendy indie club, sipping an overpriced plastic cup filled with well-gin, and have sixteen-year-old girls in "whore" costumes crash into me as they attempt to start a mosh pit to "Song with a Mission" - I opted to give out treats to a bunch of tricks.

And if I look up the word "trick" in the nifty "Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia" the third or fourth definition down defines the word as "something done for money by a prostitute; 'turning tricks' is a euphemism for prostitution, " which is what most of these kids were, a bunch of little selfish hookers. Or weird kids with social anxiety problems that I wouldn't want to poke at with a 10" pole. Or jaded teenage assholes in minimum effort costumes (i.e. this one chick who wore a "Vote for Pedro" T-Shirt she probably picked up at Macy's and nothing else, claiming she was Napoleon Dynamite) giving me attitude because I had the audacity to mutter the phrase "Take one".

So, in response I've complied a list of ways to torture children that will take effect next Halloween. That's right, Halloween's no longer a holiday for kids and queens, now it's now my #1 day to be a megatron bitch.

1) Flash the kids a King-Size candy bars and then tell them that I'm a Jehovah's Witness and before I can allow them to partake in this heathenistic holiday they must listen to me read from the scripture as a way to purify their souls. Then I read for an awkwardly long amount of time and as soon as one gets squirmy or complains I slam the book shut and say "Great...now you're all going to burn in hell".

2) Come to the door, appearing pregnant, then right before I hand out candy, grab my stomach, groan, and let a fully clothed baby doll covered with blood fall from between my legs (maybe add some dyed red wet corn starch fall as well, for an afterbirth effect) kick it out of the way, smile, and proceed to hand out candy. (This was my boyfriend's brilliant idea)

3) Answer the door dressed up as a cat and hand out dead mice, cat nip, and cans of sardines and Fancy Feast.

4) Give the kids with shitty costumes condiments - Soy Sauce, ketchup, relish packets - instead of candy.

5) Answer the door in full costume and an empty pillow case. When the kids yell "Trick or Treat!" I yell back "Trick or Treat!" We'll then stare at each other confused for a few minutes and then I'll say "Where's my candy?" When they inform me that I'm the one who traditionally gives them candy, I say "OoooHhH, okay, hold on", leave, return with rolls of toilet paper and eggs and throw it at the kids while yelling "Cheap asses!"

6) When the door bell rings shove a bunch of candy into my mouth, open the door, pretend to puke it out onto my porch, and then shut the door.

7) Give all the fat kids Slim Fast bars

8) Take Polaroids of all the kids who have original or creative costumes, tape their pictures to my front door with a sign that reads "If you're costume isn't as good as these, don't bother"

9) Answer the door dressed as death, point to one kid, and say "You're next". Then give all the other children candy.

10) Cough excessively without covering my mouth while handing out candy, then right before I give candy to the last kid, break into tears, and say "I'm so sorry, I'm just so sad! This is going to be my last Halloween being that I contracted the Ebola virus" Cough some more and then shut the door.