Markie Posts

Here's the video for the new Shins single, “Phantom Limb”. It's an awesome song and a really cool video except it reminds me of the video for “Title & Registration” by Death Cab for Cutie - one of my least favorite videos of all time.

I guess the reason why I hate the video for “Title & Registration” is that it’s the embodiment of silly emo-ness (replacing a broken, black heart for a new one in a disgustingly cutesy way). I mean, okay, I’ll admit it, I really like the song “When Soul Meets Body” and I enjoyed the Postal Service’s album “Give UP”, but a video like “Title & Registration” spoils any internal inclination I’ve ever had or will have towards emo music, making me forever cringe whenever I see a 15 year-old kid with Buddy Holly glasses or attempt to listen to a song like “Clark Gabel” (which is a song I really like – DAMN YOU DEATH CAB!).

Yet, for some strange reason I feel like Death Cab did a slightly better job at portraying the video’s objective…or maybe that’s because Death Cab’s video is so obvious.

Anyway, enjoy both videos, and if “Phantom Limb” is any representation of what the rest of The Shins’ album is going to be like…then I can’t wait until January 23rd!

The Shins - Phantom Limb


Death Cab for Cutie - Title & Registration

Egads! Everyone in my fucking office is playing muzak versions of Christmas songs and it’s driving me nuts! I hate Christmas songs. They’re obnoxious, yet catchy, and I subconsciously whistle them (badly) until August. Despite my distaste, I’m not a complete Scrooge, here are few places where you can find Christmas songs by good bands, making the songs slightly less annoying:

Who Needs Radio? has Flaming Lips doing one called "Chrismas at the Zoo" and James Brown performs "Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto"; both sound absolutely promising

Unarocks posted some kickass bands covering classics

Another Form of Relief has Weezer - Christmas Celebration and Bright Eyes - Blue Christmas

Enjoy Kds!

I hate Blender Magazine. It makes US Weekly look like a James Joyce novel. I've hated it since I found this issue on the floor of someone’s bathroom:



I was intrigued by this publication for two reasons:

1) I was actually pretty good friends with one of the Pussycat Dolls in middle school (circled) until our friendship tragically ended one afternoon when her sknak ass twisted my ankle on a trampoline and then spat on it.
2) The cover was SO obnoxious; I just HAD to check it out.

After a thorough flip-through I puked in my mouth. The whole magazine reeks of stale Natty-Light and asparagus jizz. Blender reads like it was written by a snotty-date-raping frat asshole that drives a Hummer, pounds Tri Delts, and has convinced himself that since he listens to Dave Matthews, Coldplay, Led Zeppelin, and Green Day that he has superior taste in music. It's like Maxim decided it wanted be Spin, but still keep their airbrushed layouts of starlets that crave validation. It's the embodiment of style over substance.

Anyway, they've recently complied a list of the The 50 Worst Artists in Music History and I've decided to bitchingly respond by cut'n'pasting Blender’s list below and adding my own opinions and rebuttals. In regards to some of the bands, as dirty as it makes me feel, I have to agree with Blender’s placement. In these instances I've left the listing blank. Enjoy!

50 IRON BUTTERFLY
What Blender said:
Everything bad about the ’60s, in one easy-to-avoid package
Legend has it that this Los Angeles acid-rock quintet had consumed such massive amounts of marijuana during the 1968 sessions for “In the Garden of Eden” that keyboardist-singer Doug Ingle could only mumble the title. Hence, “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida” was born, and its unexpurgated 17-minute version (including a two-and-a- half-minute drum solo) inaugurated the dubious era of free-form FM radio.
Appalling fact
In-a-Gadda-da-Vida was the first LP ever to be certified platinum.
Whoreese Response:
I'll admit, I'm not that familiar with this band, but, no exaggeration, everyone and their mom has heard In-a-Gadda-da-Vida. The Simpsons even made reference to the song in an episode where Bart slips the old hag of an organ player at his family's church the sheet music, etching the song's significance in American pop culture. Where's Blender's etching? Hmm? I'm not sure if The Simpsons have ever referenced Blender, but I'm sure if they did, it'd be right down there with their attacks against Arbys.

48 MASTER P

46 THE SPIN DOCTORS
What Blender said:
Beards. Extended “jams.” Oh dear, oh dear
For a brief time (between 1992 and 1996), it seemed that any workaday bar band, if it was willing to gamely trek around the country for at least three years, had a chance at superstardom (cf. Hootie and the Blowfish, Blues Traveler). Blame the Spin Doctors, hairy New Yorkers who — thanks to the supremely annoying “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes” — momentarily opened a route between dive bars and the Billboard charts.
Appalling fact
The Doctors got together while they were students at New York’s New School of Jazz.
Worst CD
Homebelly Groove Live (Epic, 1992)
Whoreese's Response:
Where to start, where to start? Maybe with "Two Princes" - not a bad song, and if it is considered "supremely annoying" so is this:



and this



and this



And I'm not quite sure if I totally get the last part of the final sentence "— momentarily opened a route between dive bars and the Billboard charts". Is Blender suggesting that the Billboard charts is this fantastic and honest measuring stick that determines what's good and what's bad? That it’s the consumers’ opinions? Because, if you've been alive for the past ten years or so, a lot of the songs that pop up on the Billboard charts suck. Most of the songs on the charts are songs that are appreciated by twelve-year-old kids who think “Yeah, you know what? It is hot in here, so let me take off all my clothes” and then have their parents finance the placement of these "popular musicians". For instance, hasn't Britney Spears been all over those crazy Billboard charts?
And dive bars = endless fun. So, if Blender is suggesting that in 1993 The Spin Doctors temporarily built a bridge between broken beer bottle fights and "Baby, Hit Me One More Time", then that bridge needed to stay erected for a few more years so that in 1998 some drunken redneck could've crossed over and stabbed Britney in the throat.
…Or maybe, just maybe, Blender was suggesting that this route forced the American public to listen to what Blender considers annoying songs. But, that’s much less fun to attack.

44 MANOWAR

42 RICK WAKEMAN

41 WHITESNAKE

40 BLIND MELON
What Blender said:
A video made them; heroin undid them
Led by Axl Rose’s mewling, drug-plagued pal Shannon Hoon, Blind Melon’s lightweight rock would have been forgotten completely were it not for the boundless charm of “Bee Girl” Heather DeLoach, whose hoofing in the video for “No Rain” made the tune the band’s lone hit.
Worst CD
Soup (Capitol, 1995)
Whoreese's Response:
1) "No Rain," is a good song and stands alone as a good song without the support of its popular (and gimmicky) Bee-Girl video.
2) Is the term "lightweight rock" supposed to be bad? Wouldn't The Doves, Cat Power, and Band of Horses be considered lightweight? The Beatles weren't particularly heavy. I think if Blender was trying to be insulting "watered down" might've been a better term to use, although the term really doesn't apply to "No Rain".
3) Yes, the song was the band's "lone hit" but again, lots of great bands have never had a radio-friendly "hit" like, oh, I don't know, The Doves, Cat Power, and Band of Horses.
4) Where in Blender's egotistic blurb did the magazine ever back up the notion that Blind Melon is a bad band?

39 BOB GELDOF

37 THE DOORS
What Blender said:
He was the Lizard King. No, really…
While in college, many young men still choose to immerse themselves in such ill-advised subjects as Nietzsche, black magic and Native American folklore. Most get over it; Jim Morrison, unfortunately, inflicted his terminally adolescent views on the wider world. The consequences included overblown screeds of nonsense such as “The End” and “The Crystal Ship,” plus, effectively, the invention of goth. Then he got fat and died.
Appalling fact
Morrison is widely believed to have suffered his fatal heart attack while masturbating in the bathtub.
Worst CD
The Soft Parade (Elektra, 1969)
Whoreese's Response:
I'll admit it, when I see those posters with a shirtless Jim Morrison and the caption below his nipples that reads "American Poet" it makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Jim Morrison no poet, he wasn't even a good lyricist. I think anyone who has a basic knowledge of poetry, or has listened to Bob Dylan, or can even read can easily recognize that Morrison is no T.S. Elliot. Yet, the guy had a deep, beautiful, and demanding voice. Has the author of this retarded Blender blurb ever actually listened to The Doors? Ever listened to the organ? The powerful solos? The well-crafted music free of catchy hooks and cookie-cutter form?
I just can't believe that someone who writes for such a piece of shit publication has the audacity to insult The Doors, and insists they suck on the basis of the band's dark "black magic and Native American folklore" image and Jim's shitty lyrics. Let's just ignore songs like "Light My Fire", "L.A. Woman", and "Love Her Madly". And finally, fuck Blender for blaming The Doors for "the invention of goth". They might've been dark, but not any darker then Led Zeppelin, Lou Reed, Black Sabbath, and The Rolling Stones. Personally, I think it'd be more appropriate to point that finger at The Smiths and The Cure for the creation of what we now recognize as goth.

36 98 DEGREES

35 PAUL OAKENFOLD

34 LIVE
What Blender said:
These U2 sound-alikes never did find what they were looking for
Blessed with the same spiritual longing as U2 — but, sadly, none of the musical cunning — this Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, quartet made a brief but insignificant splash in the early ’90s as purveyors of grandiose, vaguely uplifting alt-rock. Although their hold on the mainstream had evaporated by the end of the decade, their blend of loud guitars and portentous lyrics helped pave the way for crypto-Christian rockers Creed. Nice one, Live.
Appalling fact
The album title Secret Samadhi derives from a form of Hindu meditation.
Worst CD
Secret Samadhi (MCA, 1997)
Whoreese's Response:
Okay, not the greatest band in the world, but they definitely don't belong on this list. I mean, I don't get it, they'll put Live on their Worst Bands of All Time List while this talentless plastic surgery disaster adorns one of their front covers:



33 JAPAN

32 THE HOOTERS

31 ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

30 RICHARD MARX

29 SKINNY PUPPY

28 CRASH TEST DUMMIES

27 COLOR ME BADD
Whoreese's Response:
They're just mad because no one wants to "Sex Them Up"

26 CÉLINE DION

25 JAMIROQUAI
What Blender said:
The white, talentless Stevie Wonder
Where to start — the ludicrous headgear? The atrocious dancing? No, let us start, and finish, with the fact that Stevie Wonder has more talent in his dark glasses than Jay Kay has in his entire body.
Worst CD
A Funk Odyssey (Epic, 2001)
Whoreese's Response:
Again, not the greatest musician in the world, but why is his musical talent being bashed on the basis of "headgear" and "atrocious dancing"? What do those two things have to do with the creation of music?

24 BAD ENGLISH
What Blender said:
With ex-members of Journey!
Suck-cheeked soft-rocker John Waite had scored big in 1984 with the ballad “Missing You.” But with his solo career stalling, and half of Journey toilet-bound without a singer, they forged an unholy late-’80s alliance. Bad English retailed puffed-up power ballads, while Waite cast himself as a doomed romantic hero.
Worst CD
Backlash (Epic, 1991)
Whoreese's Response:
At first, I thought that Bad English wrote "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You", but I wasn't sure, so I Googled it and found out that it wasn't Bad English, it was Modern English. Because of this discovery, Bad English can stay on this stupid list.

23 CREED

22 PRIMUS
What Blender said:
“Care for some prog-rock with cartoon-character vocals on the side?” “No, thanks!”
Perhaps the most tune-free act ever to chart an album in the Top 10 (Pork Soda hit number 7 in 1993), Oakland, California’s Primus were led by Les Claypool, a bass virtuoso and startlingly nasal vocalist. Musicians and the terminally nerdy gaped in wide wonder at the trio’s prodigious instrumental “chops”; everyone else was repulsed by the band’s combination of the worst aspects of Frank Zappa and Rush.
Appalling fact The rallying cry for Primus’s misguided fans was “Primus sucks!” — intended as sarcasm yet all too true.
Worst CD
Pork Soda (Interscope, 1993)
Whoreese's Response:



21 THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT

20 HOWARD JONES

19 DAN FOGELBERG

18 PAT BOONE

17 BENZINO

16 OINGO BOINGO

15 YANNI

14 YNGWIE MALMSTEEN

13 MICK JAGGER
Whoreese's Response:
I just deleted their comments; they have no business saying anything negative about Mick Jagger.

12 TIN MACHINE

11 LATOYA JACKSON

10 AIR SUPPLY

9 LEE GREENWOOD

8 VANILLA ICE

7 ASIA

6 KANSAS
What Blender Said:
Beware all bands named after states or continents!
Their folksy 1977 hit “Dust in the Wind,” a tractor-size fiddle player and a guitarist in bib overalls suggested pioneer-spirited rural rockers. The truth was far more sinister. Bereft of sex and emotion, Kansas’s music was a noxious fusion of Jethro Tull and Yes, appealing only to male sci-fi bores and guaranteed to drive any self-respecting frontiersman headlong into the nearest bear trap.
Appalling fact
A feature of their live shows was roadie T. Rat, who would come onstage in a trench coat, top hat and clown mask. Then he would disrobe and dance butt-naked.
Worst CD
Point of Know Return (Columbia, 1977)
Whoreese’s Response:
“Dust in the Wind” is a good song. And here Blender goes AGAIN attacking music on the basis of image. They claim Kansas sucks because it is “appealing only to male sci-fi bores” and what makes Blender superior to these sci-fi bores? Do they feel that they are better because instead of worshipping a Jedi Nights they worship talentless fucks like this:




5 STARSHIP

4 KENNY G
What Blender said:
This guy really blows!
Whoreese’s Response:
...your dad

3 MICHAEL BOLTON

2 EMERSON, LAKE & PALMER

1 INSANE CLOWN POSSE
What Blender said:
They sound even stupider than they look
Two trailer-trash types who wear face paint, pretend to be a street gang and drench cult devotees in cheap soda called Faygo, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are more notorious for their beef with Eminem (who pistol-whipped an ICP homey in 2001) than their ham-fisted rap-rock music. They claim that a “dark carnival” visited them one night, prophesied impending apocalypse and made them its messengers. Between this circus gospel, they find plenty of time to rap about 40-ouncers and venereal disease.
Appalling fact
While appearing on The Howard Stern Show in 1999, Shaggy 2 Dope told Sharon Osbourne to “buff my pickle.” She declined.
Worst CD
The Wraith: Shangri-La (D3, 2002)
Whoreese’s Response:
I have to totally 100% agree with Blender on this one…which makes me feel as greasy as Tara Reid. Great, now I’m going to have to bathe in a vat of acid and have a Rabbi cleanse my soul. Fuck, thanks a lot Blender.

Love this song, but the characters in this video remind me of the illustrations in my Spanish text book from college. Maybe it's the maraca playing at the end, I'm not sure, but for some strange reason I really want to draw a giant penis that extends from the chick's crotch and ends up in the guy's ear...because that's how I entertained myself in Spanish class....in college...and their names should totally be Esperanza and Julio.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

...coming soon - Whoreese's New Rules for 2007!

Last Saturday, <3>12/02/06 <3 (the very same day Britney Spears wiggled out of her mom’s pootang), my very bestest friend in the whole wide world went and got herself hitched, redneck-style, in her daddy’s back yard.

Okay, it totally wasn’t honky-tonk. More people spoke French than English, her dad lives in Pinecrest (same neighborhood as The Heat's Dwayne Wade and a bunch of snotty ass Japs), the backyard alone is about an acre, Julie and MacGregor looked absolutely blissful….and there was a cheese plate in between the main course and desert. It was very classy and laid back. The trashiest aspect of the entire shindig was my drunken mug popping up and fucking up otherwise nice wedding photos (see below).

I did, however, manage to give a decent wedding speech, in which I mentioned Clockwork Orange and morjitos, and was delivered right after I chugged my 348957349573495873 gazillioinith glass of champagne...how many of you fuckers can do that??????

Go me.

And when you two read this, I hope Mexico was kickass and I'm glad you didn't elope.



Me and the rest of the Robert ladies

Julie looking damn purdy

The Julie-Face and the Spam

Julie and I remembering our lesbian past

Sam and I being incest-lesbian sisters

Me getting sauced

Dad getting sauced

Sweetness

Chocolate lovers + Emma

My handsome man and my drunken bloated face

Don't they all look so much alike?

Cheese plate!

This is what too much champagne makes me look like

Sam, Matt, and Mom

Julie and Joelle

Rumor has it Beyonce threw a shit-fit after her new movie Dream Girls premiered and co-star/American Idol reject Jennifer Hudson out-shone her in the final cut. Hudson’s all-around performance in this film is supposed to be pretty super-fabulous fueling a lot of Oscar-buzz.

So, I think in an attempt to diffuse her diva persona and sound somewhat humble she released this bitchy-ass statement:

“I knew that the character that I played wasn’t the star … I’m already a star. I already have nine Grammys. Everyone knows I can sing. I wish I could have gained 20 pounds and played Effie.”

……………..Heh, yeah, you may have nine shiny statues that honor musical mediocrity, but you ‘aint got an Oscar, bitch.

Apparently, when Jen Garner showed up for the GQ Men of the Year Awards a bunch of horribly miserable toothpaste, margarita, and jizz vomiters - and when I say toothpaste, margarita, and jizz vomiters, I’m referring to whores like these three Patron Saints of Skank:


Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces c/o Gallery of the Absurb

- made notice of Garner weight gain and speculated that she must be preggers with Affleck spawn. Feeling the need to extinguish rumors, Garner released this statement:

“No, everyone calm down. Nobody’s pregnant. I am as physically unfit as I’ve probably been in my whole life. It’s such a horror in front of the mirror with no clothes on.”

…………………AwWwWwWww, poor Jen, you’re so fat, like a bean bag.


One cup of deep fried fat, please, so I can feed my cottage cheese face. Quick! Feed it before it eats my lucky hat!

If you don’t get this, go here, then you will, and it will make you feel special.

I watch "Little People, Big World" and I feel really guilty using the word midget, but it kinda sounds cute, like it should be the name of a fat, little cupcake with strawberry frosting and sprinkles.

Anyway, enjoy the hungry seal chasing a penguin move.