Markie Posts

A trumpery of morbid trash I find amusing…

Exhibit A)
Before the Johnny Blue Jeans, Stella, VH1 banter, and those Sierra Mist commercials (but unfortunately after his one episode stint as a Puerto Rican drug dealer on NYPD Blue) Michael Ian Black was just a guy who starred in my all-time favorite skit from MTV’s short lived sketch-comedy “The State”:




Exhibit B)
These are some quotes I found on IDon’tLikeYouThatWay.com (so, who really knows if it’s true, but I SO want to believe it is) about Jennifer Aniston’s current mental state:

On how she’s dealing with the birth of this:

Shiloah Nouvel Jolie-Pitt who is single handedly resurrecting the Children of the Corn look (Photoshop can be so cruel to an infant)

...She apparently is

"throwing baby dolls into a bonfire on the beach behind her place in Malibu. It's creepy, but she says it makes her feel better for a few hours."

Hahaha, YES, this is totally creepy, but I don’t know, for some reason it makes me like Rachel Green a whole lot more. Now, rather than associating her with a one-dimensional love interest who makes trifles with a layer of lady fingers and another with beef sautéed with peas and onions, I think of a damaged woman who has a really great, dark sense of humor.

And here’s another quote about how the last quote is an improvement in behavior:

"At least she's stopped watching 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' over and over again, for days at a time without eating or sleeping. That just wasn't healthy."

Whoever is leaking this private information about her, if it’s actually true, is a complete ass, but again, I’m glad it’s out there because it makes me like her a whole honey-bunches-of-oats more.

Why? Well, because I think it’d do the same thing.
When going through a break up there’s a good deal of unconscious self-deprecation that goes on inside our heads because we ultimately feel like we failed. For me, I eat. I eat until it hurts and then I’ll eat some more. Sometimes I’ll find myself in my pantry, all of a sudden like I’m unstuck from time like Billy Pilgrim, with a lighter in hand, roasting mini- marshmallows on a toothpick and cramming them into my face. And as I do this I wonder how the fuck I got there, because honestly I can’t remember the steps taken or the thought process that occurred which eventually led me to the pantry.

And then I’ll eat another marshmallow.

So, if I (and Netflix, and Blockbuster, and all their millions of customers) had availability to a recorded catalyst of my failed marriage, which also allows me to freeze-frame and re-play moving pictures of my ex-husband and his new girlfriend, I’d totally use it to dwell, and judge, and wallow. Except I’d do it locked in the same vault as the bookworm from the Twilight Zone used as a literary refuge.

Exhibit C)
Every night, when I walk out of my house, I’m frightened by this image:


One would naturally wonder, who the, or what the fuck that shhifty figure is......

and it's this.....

Ack!

From my front porch, and with the fuzzy assistance provided by my shitty eyesight, it looks like an actual person, just standing on my neighbor’s
porch….dressed as Santa. And it won’t go away….

Exhibit D)
The polar bear may soon be considered an endangered species and if it is, it will be the first species in history to have their survival threatened completely by global warming (melting of the ice caps’n’such).

The polar bear is also an extremophile, the word for the day (January 2nd) on my 365-New Words a year desk calendar and I just really wanted to use the word, which is probably the only reason why I mentioned the polar bears in the first place.
The koala bear is also endangered, which shocked me. I can take or leave the koala, they’re cute’n’all, but they’re crankity little grumps. What was the name of that cartoon that used to be on Nickelodeon way back in the day that involved a brother and sister koalas and all their other Australian-animal friends? I can’t believe I can’t remember the name of it, I think I used to know the theme song by heart.

Exhibit E)
By far the weirdest (and unfortunately one of the most interesting) things I saw at Art Basel this year:


Just so you can get the full effect of this piece's utter awesomeness....the eyes blinked....yes, like a car alarm

Exhibit F)

“Blessed Art Thou", 2006, 88' x 60", oil & acrylic on linen”

This painting by Kate Kretz Will be on display at the Chelsea Galleria booth at the Art Miami Fair at the Miami Beach Convention Center, January 5-8th.

Kate will be at the fair Friday & Saturday if you want to ask her where she got her inspiration from. Personally, I’m thinking it came from the Crack King of Miami….whom I’ve personally met….on the way home from the beach….in rush hour traffic…on the 836…seriously.

But if you want to read her vague explanation of her painting, you can find it on her blog, Kate’s Studio and tell me if you get it, because I certainly do not.

I mean, when I look at the painting, I get it. It’s poking fun at celebrity worship in the environment in which it’s provoked. It’s also somewhat ironic in the sense that we, as a culture, have this fantasy-driven opinion of how celebrities live their lives, when aside from the perks that derive from wads of cash, are probably as mundane as the lives that dwell below “the heavens” in the grocery store.

But when she tries to explain it, it makes less sense. And she takes herself way too seriously.

By the way, nice wang Maddox, you’re balls are the same size as my kitten’s.