Markie Posts

The BEST Birthday gift EVER! He promised me he’d dress like a fancy lady for my birthday, and he so did!

First off, thanks to all who called, emailed, texted and dropped a comment on my ‘Space page, making me feel oh-so-special on my 25th year of life. You guys rock the cat box.

So, because today’s my birthday and being the narcissistic twat that I am, I decided to look up which celebrities share the same blessed falling-out-of-a-momma’s-cooter day.

After extensive research (DListed.com) I must say, some of the people I share birthdays with are super cool, and I’m proud to be born on the same day, but at the same time, there are a few suckers that I want to swap out for other borderline Aquarians who have surrounding birthdays AND are much higher on the awesomeness scale.

Let the listing and the switching commence:


Gabriel Macht
– 35 –
I totally don’t really know who this guy is, but I’m guessing he stole Jacinda (remember from the Real World: London, she was the really cool Australian model who wanted to be a Princess and wore T-Shirts and hippy skirts all the time????) away from chubby-ass Chris Hardwick (Singled Out) and married her. So, this makes the guy awesome, and although I still have no fucking clue who he is, I’ll allow him to keep this as his birth date due mostly to his exquisite taste in women.


Legs open

Willa Ford
– 26 –
This one’s so lame. Didn’t she have like one hit in the late 90’s and ever since has done the typical-B-List gigs like "Dancing with the Stars", VH1 commentary (and not the cool, cynical kind either, usually on shows like “100 Hottest Hotties” where her insightful input is something like “Oh, he’s so hot”) and posing half nude for some sleazy magazine like FHM that’s whole shtick is to publish layouts of the of insecure 20-something-starlets? She’s also engaged to some famous jock…that’s sOoOoo D.J. Tanner of her. I think I’d like to swap this ho for Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) whose 31st birthday was the day before, on January 21st.


Legs closed


Beverly Mitchell
- 26 –
This is that once-busted chick on 7th Heaven who looked like Sloth (c/o The Goonies) next to Jessica Biel who, on the show, played her older sister although Mitchell in real life is older than Biel.

She looks kinda cute now, which leads me to believe she’s had some work done. Whatever, I feel her pain, being that I was the token chunk-a-dunk most of my life who was surrounded by much prettier girls that thought that having a “funny friend” around gave them some kind of personality, kinda like this cunt:


Bah! I will twist your ankle, spit on it, and then try to steal all your friends, argh! I also wear about 389457439579357349739487 gazillion tons of mascara a day, NARF! I'm going to turn into a bat now and suck some virgin's blood!

Therefore I’m down with the Beverly Mitchell-ness. She can keep her birthday.

Olivia d’Abo
- 38 –
Some British child star who was nominated for a Razzie for Worst New Comer and it ruined her career. Although I think her name is cool, I would like to trade her in for the utter hotness that is Stacey Dash (Dionne from Clueless - one of my favorite movies of all time and the reason why my voice sounds the way it does) who’s birthday was on the 20th.

Can you believe this bitch is 41?!?!?!?!?!?! I couldn’t believe it! Because of this revelation, I have posted the video for “All Falls Down” by Kanye West, which was out only a few years back. This means we’re looking at some verging-on-40-ass in this video.

I would like some of this aging magic on my birthday, so Stacy, you’re new B-Day is the 22nd, get used to it.



Diane Lane
– 42 –
No explanation here. She’s beautiful but in interviews always seems so bland, plus she did make that god awful movie, Must Love Dogs where she thought she was Diane Keaton. I’d trade her for Chan Marshall, 35 on the 21st, any fucking day.





Linda Blair
– 48 –
By far the coolest bitch to share birthday with! I bet she knows a lot of fun party games too (Ouija, anyone?). She can share a birthday or a demonic spirit with me any day, but she can keep Rick James’ crush on her. We don’t need to share that. Ewe.

Jim Jarmusch
– 54 –
Independent film maker who directed the movie Stranger Than Paradise which I have never seen, but has been added to my NetFlix List. Apparently, he dropped out of Columbia and used his scholarship money to finance his first film Permanent Vacation. That is what I like to call PUNK ROCK and he can keep his birthday. I’ve heard from many that Columbia is nothing more than over priced branding anyway.

Steve Perry
– 58 –
Uhm, Journey anyone? He so stays.

Piper Laurie
- 75 –
The name Piper = cool. The fact that she dated Ronald Reagan right before Nancy = not cool. The fact that she was in Eulogy , Return to Oz, and Carrie = cool. She was in The Faculty = not cool (although Jon Stewart was in it too = cool, but then this is cancelled out by a starring role by Josh Harnett = uncool.). But the fact that she makes one hot lil’ classic pin up:


=cool

So, she can keep her birthday of 75 years.

You’re welcome.