Markie Posts

Wax Figure of The 'Crest

Ever since the amazingly wonderful audition portion of American Idol premiered last Tuesday, Ryan Seacrest has already started spouting off obnoxious shit that I feel no one else is mentioning…or poking fun at. So, I’m going to start a list of annoying Seacrest quotes, starting with:

1 ) "I'm not short, you're short, I'm average."

...In response to a bouncy contestant who attempted to be cute and flirt a little with Seacrest by saying they would make a great pair because they’re both short.

I’m also going to keep two Excel spreadsheets which I will reveal at the end of the audition portion of this season of American Idol.

One spreadsheet, which I will title “Slimey Seacrest” will issue the number of times he 1) proves he has no sense of humor 2) talks about himself 3) acts like a jerk 4) exploits someone else’s flaws for entertainment value, 5) says “Seacrest out” (although this may not happen until the actual competition starts), and finally, 6) hints to the public that he’s not gay, although we all know he is.

The second Excel Spreadsheet will include other aspects of the audition process that I find humorous: 1) Number of times that Paula says something that makes absolutely no sense 2) Number of times contestant uses the wrong door 3) Number of montages or sequences where contestants are linked by a common song 4) Number of contestant outbursts 5) Number of ploys (props, costumes, begging) used by a contestants per episode 6) Number of times a contestant compares themselves to a musician that they do not resemble 7) Number of times Randy uses the word “dawg” 8) Number of times Simon uses the word “karaoke”

I will also honor my favorite rejected contestant in each city:

Minneapolis
* Jason the Juggler *


Watch his whole mess of an audition at UselessJunk.com

This guy was fantastic. Maybe one of my favorite contestants of all time, with angry quotes post-audition such as “I am Minneapolis” and “ but I wanted to start out famous,” screeched by the 15 year-old after his mother tried to console him by reminding him that he was still young, he’s hard not to appreciate. He also tap danced, a timeless and wise move on a show that’s completely about singing.

Seattle
* Timon and Pumbaa *



Can we say Hakuna Matata? These two fleeting BBF’s sparked an instant friendship while waiting in line to audition. Together they practiced, laughed, reminded one another to “drop their jaws”, and provided one another sincere yet dellusional support. It was really sweet, actually, in the same kind of way it was sweet to see Forrest Gump take care of AIDS-infected Jen-nay. PLUS, after Simon comments on Timon’s apperance by saying:

“You look a little odd. The dancing is terrible. The singing was horrendous and you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes. What do they call them? Bush babies.”



Ugly as sin Rosie O’Donnell felt the need to respond, via The View by countering with:

“Isn’t that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone’s physical appearance and then when they leave the room laugh hysterically at them? Three millionaires, one probably intoxicated….”

Probably? Definitely!

Personally, I found it entertaining, unnecessarily mean, but entertaining. And WTF Rosie? Of course people find that kind of trash entertaining, why do you think the media was so engaged in your superficial-verbal-lashing-spar with Donald Trump? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t Rosie attacked his comb over a few times?

Eh, regardless, I gotta hand it to Timon, he handled the insult pretty well, shrugging it off and supporting Pumbaa. While oinkers auditioned, Timon kept his ear pressed to the door and made optimistic comments, not grasping the fact that there wasn't music coming from the audition room, but more like piggish mating calls.

And finally, on a scale of 1-10, I will rate how obnoxious each guest judge was:

Jewel

3

She was far less annoying than her poetry and pretty gentle with contestants’ emotions. Although (I think from poor lighting) she looked so pale that I couldn’t tell where her skin stopped and hair began.