Monday, February 05, 2007
What I've learned from not going out last weekend...
1) That Lily Allen has enormous calves, but my dad still thinks she's hot:
2) Two has been deleted for reasons I don't feel like explaining
3) That my dry cleaner sucks and lost a string to one of my blouses
4) That last weekend my hometown was swarming with aliens:



AaAAAAaaaAAAhhhHHhhhhhHhhHH!!!!
5) That these aforementioned aliens a) muddled with the earth’s rotations, resulting in a full moon on Saturday night or b) aren’t aliens at all, but are brain-eating zombies, who – after Mojitos and 8th Street Hookers – opted for Cosmos and Scores, resulting in 1,283 mile trek to NYC which involved hours of animalistic moans and a quick nosh of Drew Barrymore’s brain, lobotomizing her slightly, but alas, making her much less annoying:
7) That a nest of opossum live in a palm tree in my neighbor's yard...and when my epileptic/horny kitten jumped to it, 3487239472394723987 gazillion opossums scurried from the tree, almost making me vomit
8) That Sarah Silverman is a genius
9) That my 90 year-old grandmother can hypnotize me with her liver spots and yellowing teeth.
10) The people who work at Sports Authority may be even more retarded than then retards who work at Quizno's.
11) That one of these girls was in a craptacular movie called "Lucky 13" that I wasted an hour watching on Friday night and that the other is a stright up Latina whose first language was Spanish....who would've thought

12) That viberators run out of battery really quickly
13) That I'd rather be lobotomized by Steve-O than stay home an entire weekend again....ugh
2) Two has been deleted for reasons I don't feel like explaining
3) That my dry cleaner sucks and lost a string to one of my blouses
4) That last weekend my hometown was swarming with aliens:




5) That these aforementioned aliens a) muddled with the earth’s rotations, resulting in a full moon on Saturday night or b) aren’t aliens at all, but are brain-eating zombies, who – after Mojitos and 8th Street Hookers – opted for Cosmos and Scores, resulting in 1,283 mile trek to NYC which involved hours of animalistic moans and a quick nosh of Drew Barrymore’s brain, lobotomizing her slightly, but alas, making her much less annoying:
7) That a nest of opossum live in a palm tree in my neighbor's yard...and when my epileptic/horny kitten jumped to it, 3487239472394723987 gazillion opossums scurried from the tree, almost making me vomit
8) That Sarah Silverman is a genius
9) That my 90 year-old grandmother can hypnotize me with her liver spots and yellowing teeth.
10) The people who work at Sports Authority may be even more retarded than then retards who work at Quizno's.
11) That one of these girls was in a craptacular movie called "Lucky 13" that I wasted an hour watching on Friday night and that the other is a stright up Latina whose first language was Spanish....who would've thought

12) That viberators run out of battery really quickly
13) That I'd rather be lobotomized by Steve-O than stay home an entire weekend again....ugh