Markie Posts

My very soon-to-be roommate and I had just finished looking at about 5 potential new homes (one with a view of the water – refinery, that is) when the slow, sawing pain evoked by the poorly stitched straps of my cheap Nine West wedges finally reached my metatarsals. Since MVSTBR (how very Dan Savage of me) lives near Lincoln Road, I suggested we go to Zekes to chill, people watch, and most importantly sit.

Unfortunately we never quite got to the whole sitting part. After getting our drinks we walked out of the tiny lime green shoe box of a bar, and noticed that all of the 9,2138,0128,3103,8018,3012 tables in front of Zekes were completely occupied. MVSTBRM noticed two guys (no George Clonneys, or even George Constanzas) sitting at a table with two available chairs. We asked the guys if we could take the chairs and they treated us like we were straight-up dogs (not like Lady and the Tramp-dogs, but more like Kim Stewart-dogs).

Rejected -- but, really -- not caring that much, I promptly turned around and proceeded to bust my ass right in front of the massive crowd; scrapping my knee and elbow on some crusty-ass, most likely AIDS-infested concrete.

I managed to save every last drop of my Amber Honey Rose, though. Clearly showing where my priorities lie.

Needless to say, it was horribly embarrassing. But I felt I took it pretty well, laughing it off as MVSTBRM stopped the bleeding with citrus blotting strips (which felt terrific).

Anyway, I sat down last weekend to write a blog about the incident, and instead this came out.

Enjoy!:

How to be the Coolest Girl on South Beach in 40 Easy Steps:


1) See a pet store.

2) Dig in your purse for your pet Bush Baby.

3) Chuck it over your shoulder – preferably your left, for good luck.

4) Enter pet store.

5) Buy a small, pure-breed dog
a. If it’s a Chiahuahua make sure to starve it, no one likes a tubby Tinkerbell.
b. If it’s small and white (i.e. Maltese, Shitzu, or Poodle) make sure to always dress it in ridiculous outfits. This distracts from these breeds' eternal Dirty Sanchezes.


c . Puppies are the only exception to the small dog rule – baby Rottweilers and American Bull Dogs especially (so cute!) – but once they grow over 30 lbs. (and become un-cute) its time to lock them inside your 20x20/$3k a month studio on Collins and let your cell phone be your companion.

6) Buy a Louis Vuitton collar, leash, dog carrier, pooper-scooper, doodie-bag, chew toy, dog perfume, toothpaste, nail polish, and skate board.

7) Buy a funky blouse at BCBG or Anthropology. They're so cheap there!

8) Make sure to look extremely disenchanted by your surroundings, if not, everyone will totally think you’re a tourist. And you’re so not. You’re practically a native. You moved down from New England at leas three whole years ago and know everything west of the beach, east of North Miami Ave., north of 2nd, and south of 79th – I mean, that’s pretty much all of Miami, right?

9) Complain about old people.

10) Complain about the ugly tourists.

11) Complain about the ugly foreigners.

12) Complain about, ugh! Like…whatever.

13) Complain about the humidity.

14) Take your new blouse and wipe about 3 lbs. of Clinque foundation (leaving approximately 7 lbs.) off your dripping forehead.

15) Since you hate to be wasteful and the trash can is three feet out of your general direction, quickly give blouse to bum (This way you appear charitable AND environmentally conscious).

16) RUN – you do not want to linger. Bums:
a. Reek
b. Want stuff
c. Live in boxes
d. Want to rape you
e. Might attempt to read you a passage from the Bible - Awkward!

17) Find the nearest bar with a DJ.

18) Flirt with the DJ until he lets you hang out behind the booth.

19) Once behind the booth, put the earphones on and press them against your ears, so you look like you know what you're doing. Like this:


20) With one hand hold the ear phones, with the other point at people and jiggle.

21) Please flip tape to side B.

22) Only stay long enough for the DJ to offer you a line.

23) Neogociate a second one after a line’s snorted off your tit.

24) Leave and head for Zekes because drinking $3 beers on the beach makes you look humble. Or simple. Or poor, but cool. Like Carrie Bradshaw. With beers instead of Cosmos.

25) Wait, I’m confused.

26) Do not compute. Do not compute.

27) Sadjk (^#^ aois %62bjha dska***…_____________4

28) Once at Zekes make sure to order something exotic – like Heineken

29) Find the last empty table (for some reason, YOU always seem to find the very last one).

30) Take table entirely for yourself, but make sure the table has at least four chairs; one for you, one for your dog (Remember? He’s that tiny, panting, weight you’ve been dragging around all night), your oversized Chanel bag, and one for a “friend” (you don’t really have friends, you’re waaaaay too pretty).

31) Pretend to nurse your one beer for about an hour, but don’t actually drink it - Do you know how many carbs are in beer?!

32) Instead, do either of the following:
a. When no one’s looking (because, come on, people are going to be looking at you, you’re hot) strategically pour out tiny amounts on to the ground every 10 minutes or so.
b. When someone who looks like they work there walks by, ask for a tiny water bowl for your dog. When you finally receive the bowl (because you had to ask, like, 5 different people - it’s not your fault that everyone there looks poor enough to have to work), drink the water in the bowl yourself and replace it with beer. This is a win-win-win situation: 1) You get rid of the beer 2) Water is great for your complexion 3) Beer will put your puppy to sleep, making it WAY easier to stuff him inside your bag and zip it closed.

33) Once you’ve got your dog in your bag, wait about 15 seconds. You’ll know 15 seconds have passed when either
a. Your bag stops squirming and starts whimpering
b. Someone asks you whether or not you’re using the two empty seats.

34) Then:
c. If it’s a cute guy, say no. Invite him to sit with you.
d. If it’s an ugly guy, say yes - you’re saving it for a friend, but you’re soooo sorry a cutie like him has to stand! Then wink, hand him 2 dollars, and ask him to get you a beer.
e. If it’s a girl under 115 lbs., say yes – but tell her you like her shoes. Then when she turns her back, take the dog out of your purse and deck her in the back of the head.
f. If it’s a girl over 115 lbs., say yes - then make sure to laugh super loud when she turns around and accidentally trips in her cheap Bakers’ heels. Get up, tower over her, spit into her open scrapes, and say “Aw, is little Miss Piggy having a hard time standing on her piggy hooves? Go ahead, take the table. Rest your cankles. I can actually walk and stand in heels.”

34) Now that you’ve successfully made someone else feel like shit, it’s time to go home.

35) Paint a pentagram on your forehead with Mac’s Virgin Blood No. 5 lipstick and slaughter a goat.

36) Proceed to snort rails until your millionaite boyfriend shows up pancakes and ecstasy.

37) Celebrate your boyfriend’s winning of a bid to sell AK47’s to the troops in...Iceland? India? Indiana? Whatever! Have him suck the leaking saline from your brand new breasts until the sun comes up.

38) Put on a bikini bottom (no need for a top), thin white T-shit, diamond belly chain, and oversized bug sunglasse.

39) Head to Niki beach to bake/sleep until 5 pm.

40) Wash and repeat.