Markie Posts

It’s kind of old news that Britney went all nutzoid and shaved her head last Friday in a Beverly Hills beauty salon and soon thereafter went on a Red Bull fueled rampage at a local tattoo parlor metamorphosizing herself into tatted-up punk-rock-pounding skinhead circa late 1980’s (minus the red suspenders, although judging by her taste in threads - or rags – she probably owns a pair), but I knew this was coming.

And when I say I knew this was coming, I don’t mean, I knew this was coming as soon as I saw her saggy pus-lips splayed all over the internets, but saw this coming back when she was wearing a thong outside her jeans and telling us to hit her, baby, one more time.

This is because I’ve always felt that Britney Spears, not Anna Nicole Smith, is (or was) the Marilyn Monroe of our generation. Before Feder’s line probed every orifice in her body, she always seemed like a product of a well-lubed PR team. A puppet if you will, with such an ignorant itch to be “famous” that she was willing to do and say anything her publicist told her to, which I believe led to rebellion and her ultimate demise.

Think about it, not too hard, think about it Britney-style, okay, nevermind, think a little bit….

BF (Before Federline) Brit was a polished, pretty superstar. She was never very articulate, but then again, never said anything controversial (physically she wrote novels of controversy, but it was her shtick) even going to the extent of defending President Bush in Ferinheit 9-11 and grasping tight onto the notion that she was a virgin. She was “the girl next store” and “the Lolita” - a combination of stereotypes drawn from previously created characters that have throughout time proven to intrigue in volume. She was a marketing strategy, a two-dimentional image rather than an actual human being with complex feelings (her most profound expression was “I’m not a girl, not yet woman”), original thoughts, or flaws (she hid smoking cigarettes although we all know she sucks down two packs a day). She was also worked like a two-dollar crack whore and probably felt like life was passing her by = pausing her career, an attraction to Paris Hilton, having babies, partying like it’s 1999.

…Ugh, okay, I’m putting way more thought into Britney’s psyche then she puts into her own children. The fact that I’m giving this backwards hillbilly who should’ve been swallowed by a wave during hurricane Katrina this much attention is making the tuna sandwich I had for lunch creep back up my throat, so I’m just going to end with this thought:

I don’t think Fed- Ex was the reason for her downfall. I think adults force feeding her a cookie-cutter personality from an impressionable age and not allowing her to develop on her own accord drove her to this S for Sinead O’Conner look:



I actually like her head shaved better than that Garth from Waynes World look she was rocking before:


But, if she’s still into looking like a mess, I’ve got a few stylistic ideas for her:

The Marge

The Carrot Top
The Flock of Seagulls The Don King


Okay…you know what…I’m going to attempt to make this my last post about celebrities. It’s so pointless. I’m just turning this blog into a lotusland of guilty pleasures in an attempt to avoid thinking about crap in my own life…ugh. No more...with the exception of poems for celebrity boobage, peen, and piss. I disgust myself.

Here comes the tuna.

Last night I was watching VH1 and they had some video dairy of Gwen Stefani where she talks about all her past videos and yada, yada, bullshit, bullshit, promotional sound bite, David LaChapelle, Gavin, bullshit, yada, yada, and after watching the yellowness of her teeth yap on about things that I could care less about (So why was I watching it?....
…)but then they played the video for “Cool”, which besides No Doubt’s cover of “It’s My Life” is one of the few songs I can stand Gwen performing. I actually really love the video, despite the fact that it’s purely 4 minutes and 14 seconds of love porn pumped full of heart-tugging starry-eyed montages remnant of fresh love and uses a male lead that Gwen claims looks like Gavin Rosedale, but to me, looks more like a little smelly Russian kid I used wait tables with who was always sent home because his B.O. revolted the customers. Plus, they totally whored out Lake Como, which is terrific because it’s one of those few natural masterpieces that forces one to question Atheist theology.



All in all, I feel it’s a video the captures the song and is one of the few videos where instead of using my own imagination, I’d rather have the video’s image burned into my subconscious.

Wow, it felt really dirty to write that last sentence…

Check out the video below:

A childhood friend of mine from UM drama summer camp, Jeremy Glassman, has written and is about to direct his very first film called To The Ends of the Earth. He’s currently looking for investors to meet his $200,000 budget so he can start filming. Business plan and key crew members are already in place. There’s also an LLC with 200 shares at $1,000 a pop. I haven’t read the script myself yet, but he describes it as “an eighteen year old who is about to travel into space and the effect it has on his close friends and family. Genre-wise, it would be a drama-adventure,” and if I remember Jeremy’s writing skills accurately, it’s probably well written and interesting.

If you’re interested I can give you some more info…..

I officially want to have a lesbian encounter the blatant I-Don’t-Give-a-Fuck-ness that is Michelle Rodriguez. Look how this girl shows up to a red carpet event:



She’s as classy as a box of wine. I’d like to box her naked, trash her house, and then take her over the Canadian border and watch her ankle alarm go off.

Source

To pass the time at work my co-workers and I have collectively created an on-going list of things we feel are weak. Although the guys in the sales room and I feel that this list is quite entertaining, I have to credit the creation of claiming that something is weak and then backing up its weakness factor with two facts about the subject - although they can be completely unrelated to why something is weak, just so long as it's a fact (i.e. Selma Hayek is weak because 1) She's a woman 2) She's Mexican....yeah, I work with a bunch of chauvinistic Cubans, what do you want?) - was created by the one and only Joey O. (to see him in his full-glory, scroll down and look at the picture under the post “Happy Birthday to Me!”).

Below is our on-going list of weakness (Excel Spreadsheet style yo, cause thatz how we roll), which I must admit, is pretty esoteric at points (i.e. Key’s Dan, J. “Satan” D., and Scott’s jet-ski pants), but for the most part I think it’s pretty accurate (despite its politically incorrect nature).

Kurt Cobain “K.C.” The Flitty Kitty - my childhood neighbor’s orange cat - has seized to exist. I have several fond memories of this cat, and although the above picture is a randomly Googled picture of a cat being dyed and does not necessarily resemble the late tabby physically, K.C. was in fact dyed….blue or pink…..in a bidet. Also, I’m not quite sure why I thought K.C. was effeminate or homosexual, I just remember that I specifically called him “flitty kitty” and I got the term “flitty” from Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye, which was my favorite book when I was fifteen.

So, everyone, bow your head, say a quiet prayer for my good pal Lauren (the cat’s momma) and pour some Manic Panic on the curb for my old friend K.C. .

AND just as an afterthought – I wasn’t quite sure how to spell ‘bidet’, so I Googled the word for the correct spelling and just out of curiosity I ran a picture search. Below is what I found. Bless the French.

1) That Lily Allen has enormous calves, but my dad still thinks she's hot:



2) Two has been deleted for reasons I don't feel like explaining

3) That my dry cleaner sucks and lost a string to one of my blouses

4) That last weekend my hometown was swarming with aliens:




AaAAAAaaaAAAhhhHHhhhhhHhhHH!!!!

5) That these aforementioned aliens a) muddled with the earth’s rotations, resulting in a full moon on Saturday night or b) aren’t aliens at all, but are brain-eating zombies, who – after Mojitos and 8th Street Hookers – opted for Cosmos and Scores, resulting in 1,283 mile trek to NYC which involved hours of animalistic moans and a quick nosh of Drew Barrymore’s brain, lobotomizing her slightly, but alas, making her much less annoying:



7) That a nest of opossum live in a palm tree in my neighbor's yard...and when my epileptic/horny kitten jumped to it, 3487239472394723987 gazillion opossums scurried from the tree, almost making me vomit

8) That Sarah Silverman is a genius



9) That my 90 year-old grandmother can hypnotize me with her liver spots and yellowing teeth.

10) The people who work at Sports Authority may be even more retarded than then retards who work at Quizno's.

11) That one of these girls was in a craptacular movie called "Lucky 13" that I wasted an hour watching on Friday night and that the other is a stright up Latina whose first language was Spanish....who would've thought


12) That viberators run out of battery really quickly

13) That I'd rather be lobotomized by Steve-O than stay home an entire weekend again....ugh