Markie Posts

Bless the Flea Market

First picture of "cachinnate":

Best picture of "cachinnate":

This picture is so refreshing. Yet, I find it sad that when I initially looked at it, I found it odd.

A couple of weeks ago I posted a link to a picture – Cee-Lo’s dick in Paris Hilton’s hand – that has been burned so deeply into my brain that I may need the hypnotic aid of the Mad Russian to erase this traumatic event from my consciousness.

Seriously.

Whenever I hear the song “Crazy” I become all Being John Malcovitch-Cee-Lo style, and all I can see is my big, black, hand stroking yellow-ish Fraggle weave as I sing "Ha-ha-ha bless your soul". Then one of Paris’ fake blue contacts pops out and lands on the tip of my dick. And then I jizz in it, put a .45-caliber up to her head, and tell her to eat it. And then she does. And then I shoot her. And dance in her blood.

Okay, none of that past the yellow-ish Fraggle weave is really true, but it is true that I am scarred, perhaps for life.

So, thanks Paris, now whenever I get over this whole nun/Girl Scout/a-sexual Smurf stage of abstinence that I’m going through at the moment, I’m never going to be able to go downtown ever again.

Because of this, I’ve decided to give you the coveted title of the “Hello Kitty Douche Bag for the Month of March”. Wear your crown with pride.

n : a useless ornament or accessory : trifle *2: nonsense

My Sentence:

Much like the panda surrounded by wine bottles, all the flesh surrounding these breasts are considered by many to be folderol.





First picture of “folderol”:

Best pictureS of “folderol”:

Simpson Spotting:

In other Simpson's news, check this out - I'm SO getting myself a Slurpee in a Squishee cup!

Did anyone know this existed?

In regards to my last post, although the funeral was sad, the guy was a character. Here are a few memories:

1) Claimed to have a prescription windshield when a cop pulled him over and noticed from his license that he was supposed to be wearing glasses.

2) Would hold kids upside down so they could walk on the ceiling.

3) Would break up the monotony of everyday work by playing clients recordings of his young children reciting title policies and legal rights.

4) Would wear hot pink Spandex bike short to the gym

5) Called the Miami suburb of Kendall “Kendaladia”

6) His wife’s college roommate was Cyndi Lauper

7) Really loved Miles Davis and Steely Dan

8) Called his son “fish-face” or pescado (fish in Spanish). So, when he had a daughter, naturally he called her “pescada” which is a non-existent word

9) Taught himself Spanish and Italian fluently by locking himself in a room for four days with native speakers until he could speak it

10) Walked like an ostridge with a bobble-head

11) No one ever knew his ethnicity or religion – he was Jewish, Sicilian, Puerto Rican, Catholic, Buddhist, Muslim, an occasional white rapper…

12) Named his daughter after the Nicaraguan boxer Alexis Argüello and when he finally met the boxer in real life and told him that he had named his “daughter” after him, the boxer was very confused

13) Liked to shoot fake pigeons with Mexican cowboys in Homestead

14) The earliest memory I have of him was in 1985 at the tender age of 3; he took me and pescado to see the movie “Follow that Bird”, and while buying tickets I saw this movie poster:

And was scared shitless…literally….for weeks to come


More memories can be found here

My dad found his business partner of 30+ years dead in bathroom today at work...I'm not really in the mood for the word of the day today. It shall commence Monday.

With quotes like ‘James Blunt rhymes with his surname’ - 'the Pussycat Dolls are skinny lapdancers', and 'Pete Doherty needs to be exterminated', an apparent love for gold jewelry, and mad internet salad tossing c/o the blog society, I had a lot of invested interest in the British tart who, unlike her legion of cyber rimjobbers, had the balls to express the opinion that she doesn’t “ …think people buy Madonna's records because they think they're really good".

Yet, a few songs into to her debut album Alright, Still - released in the good ole U.S. of A on January 30th, 2007, almost six months after it was released in Allen’s native nation – I felt the way she feels about Madonna.

Alright, Still at first spin seemed obnoxiously poppy, vocally weak, and used way too many antiquated ska/reggae beats remnant of The Specials, Hepcat, Sublime, and even early No Doubt.

Yet, there are several explanations of why I initially regarded the album as overly hyped. When I first got my hands on the Alright, Still I was in the middle of obsessively looping Of Montreal’s Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?, a completely different musical mind set – quirky, electronic, and seemingly discordant hooks that magically twist (most likely with the aid of Zoloft) into uniquely catchy songs topped off with Beatle-esque lyrics (happy melody, unhappy lyrics) – than Lily’s Billboard-friendly but clever generational personifications. Then again, maybe I didn’t grasp her sound because every time I listen to a song or an album for the first time, I like to absorb what I’m hearing and generally ignore the lyrics. Or maybe, just maybe, I didn’t get her because I felt desensitized by her song “Smile” and it’s heavy commercial play.

But like most albums I end up falling in love with, during spin 4 or 5, I caught myself, much like a brain-washed zombie, mouthing the lyrics “At first/when I see you cry/it makes me smile/Yeah, it makes me smile/at first/I feel bad for a while/ but then I just smile/ I go ahead and smile” and then thinking “well, that was a fucked up thing to say”. And then I paused, reflected, and thought, “then again, when’s the last time I heard someone say something genuinely fucked up in a pop song?”

She’s actually sums up her own sound in her hit single LDN’s chorus:

“When you look with your eyes/
Everything seems nice/
But if you look twice/
you can see it's all lies”

Swap the senses though, sight for hearing; when you first listen to her, it seems like tasty but greasy Western-fast-food-pop, but when you listen more closely, your original perception was a lie. Her music isn’t lobster or caviar either. It’s more like Indian cuisine, familiar food cooked in an unfamiliar way, each bite resulting in delight, surprise, and the occasional kick of spice.

And when I describe her music as Billboard-friendly but clever generational personifications I mean just that. Her songs cover issues and situations that affect people of her own generation, the idiocy and intrigue of clubs and bars, modern love, vengeance, credit problems, the affect and blatancy of casual drug use, physical image issues, a desire to change the world, and most importantly, small dicks. Plus, her use of old school ska and reggae mixed with the quirky spinning of classic drum beats and pop instantly grabs a generation that becomes instantly nostalgic (whether they like it or not) whenever Madonna, grunge-alternative, boy bands, and Bob Marley’s Legend album is played.

Which is why I wonder why I was so shocked to discovered during her March 20th show @ The Culture Room in Ft. Lauderdale, that her audience doesn’t consist solely of 13 year-old MySpacers, but rather that of the second baby-boom (early to late 20’s) who appreciated her mockery of traditional performance. Much like Karen O. of the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (yet, unlike Karen who’s a hyena, Lily’s more like a pissed off but domesticated pit bull) Lily prefers to rebel and have fun by taking shots, saying things she probably shouldn’t, banging on random instruments, spitting, and singing really well as she smokes cigarette after cigarette. In fact, she sounds better live, fag in hand, than she does on her polished album, adding Lily-stamped covers like Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” and Keane’s “Everybody’s Changing” to her relevant and exceptional repertoire.

“Lily’s gangsta,” a friend of mine said, after Allen’s Ft. Lauderdale show, “I feel like I have a new best friend,” which just validates Allen’s appeal and possible future impact on a budding generation. "[Madonna] might have meant something once but I don't know many people my age who care," Lily has also said about the archaic pop queen, and I have to agree, because I’m around Lily’s age and I’m way too busy caring about Lily.

n 1: a confused mass 2: a complicated situation *3: a violently confused or bitterly complicated altercation : embroilment

My Sentence(s):
1) For the last time, Natalie’s last name is not Imbroglio, but Imbruglia.
2) Leave Jenna alone about the weight thing, she’s the coolest of porn stars who taught me how to avoid razor burn with a smear of Neosporin (via Howard Stern) and, according to her MySpace page, she's in the middle of an imbroglio with her ex.

Frist picture of "imbroglio":


Best picture of "imbroglio":

…because I have re-found my future husband

2) Albert Hammond Jr. may be the least attractive Stroke but may also be the secret ingredient behind their success. His solo debut, Yours to Keep, totally makes up for the musical mess that was First Impressions From Earth – which I’m going to totally blame on Drew Barrymore. Thanks a lot, Yoko.



3)

EVERYONE MAKE SURE TO GET FREE COFFEE TODAY!!!!!

n : divination by the appearance or motion of liquids (as water)

My Sentence:
The hydromancy present in Keanu’s vomit is that spring has arrived.

First picture of "hydromancy": Is it just me, or does this look like what a Muppet would puke up? Why am I so obsessed with barf today? OH! now I remember, because I saw this

Best pictureS of "hydromancy":
I couldn't decide between

Down's Forehead:

and the

Blushing Bride:

ME: Yeah, you’re special, and not in the positive way, but in the short bus way
MISO SOUP: At least you think I’m special

n : *1: a place inducing contentment especially by offering an idyllic living situation 2 : a state of an ideal marked by indolent self-indulgence

My Sentence:
I would like to visit Lotusland, but according to expedia.com it doesn’t exist.

First picture of "lotusland":


Best picture of "lotusland":

...and in a totally unrelated thought - I saw Ted Nugent on Jimmy Kimmel Live the other night, and I don't know why, but for some reason I'm sexually attracted to him. Like I want to go shoot wild game with him, slam him up against the wall, and then make medium-rare moose burgers....is there something wrong with me?

...because I have just found the man of my dreams

v 1: to make confused 2: to occupy the attention of : absorb * 3 : to cause to have feelings of wry or tolerant amusement

My Sentence:
I am utterly bemused by Modest Mouse (in the first definition's sense - please refer to below link)
The worst thing I have EVER seen on American Idol

First picture of “bemused”:


Best picture of “bemused”:


Oh, and although I am not bemused by this, I am certainly amused by it:

And is it wrong that I find the fact that this bitch is on the verge of tears the entire time hilarious? Because I do!

1) The word for the day is “retrospective” – what kind of ‘tard doesn’t know that word? I don’t even want to bother making an individual post for such a silly word. The tradition will resume tomorrow with a word I hopefully haven’t know since before I got my period.

2) THIS

3) People who move to different hemispheres, move apartments, and take FOREVER to get internet access......................................................Sarah

4) If anyone can find out where I can download a ringtone for the song “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon without accidentally subscribing to a service ran by Satan, who never gave me my download (instead I got some crap called “Throw some D’s”) and constantly texts me to tell me that “SHYGUY” and “STOMPYALL” are available to chat, and would I like to chat with them? NO. No, I do not want to have a boring or sexually charged “chat” with individuals who obviously have little to no imagination. Fuck, another text. How do I get rid of this shit?

My Sentece:
In retrospect, I'm as retarded as the word "retrospect" for registering for services I don't want and can't get rid of. Help me! I bestow upon thee voitce offerings:















Whatever, someone please, just help me!

Since I’m in these list moods nowadays, I’m going to conduct my review of the My Morning Jacket show I saw last Saturday at Langerado in the same fashion as I’ve been expressing my random and often scattered thoughts….fuck traditional form (that’s right grammar Nazis)

1) First song in set: "One Big Holiday"

...I would’ve posted the actual video, but I found this fat guy playing the song badly pretty entertaining...

2) Its funny, if you drive two counties north of the unnecessarily hectic craphole known to many as Miami, things seem to mellow. Or at least seem significantly less pretentious. Or maybe things just felt that way being that the Langerado Music Festival attracts hippies like normal people to soap. Throughout the three day festival, sandwiched between endless jam bands, hula hoping, and the erection of hammocks in trees -



- were a handful of live performances by innovative artists such as Cat Power, Girl Talk, The Hold Steady, Band of Horses, and The New Pornographers, which made all the hemp worth it. Unfortunately, I missed all of these bands in order to see My Morning Jacket, because those bands were part of the Sunday lineup and MMJ were playing on Saturday. See, tickets were mad expensive and to go to the festival for more than one day ticket prices became even more ridiculous - which was a good thing being that the festival wasn’t uncomfortably crowded. I also got my tickets as a Christmas gift, which means I got to go for free, which can also be my objective in point #2, PLUS I just re-read this paragraph and I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. How do you like that for a transition?

3) The weather was perfect. Kudos (ugh, I just cringed from typing that word) to the planner of this event. She (I’m assuming it was a female, because women are simply more kickass) obviously understood South Florida’s wily weather patterns; 70’s, pretty much cloudless, and breezy. Did you have the same spectacular weather Austin, Texas South X South West? Looks to me like you had some rain……………that’s what you get fuckers

4) Unlike many shows I’ve gone to in my life, the initial pre-show packing of the crowd was actually pretty pleasant, or was as pleasant as it could be. I was actually able to sit, sprawled out on a blanket, without any outside nuisances (I.e. flying beer bottles, brewing mosh pits) - other than some ‘shrooming hippy in a skirt and a basketball jersey who walked by me and said “I don’t know you, Izz, izz, izz, izz, izz” and then ran away. AND I didn’t have to stand and dance behind some insanely tall and rude guy to catch tiny, fleeting views of the band. I could actually sit down, relax, and watch. It blew my mind.

5) My Morning Jacket did not disappoint
a) They performed EXTREMELY well – I actually shed a tear during “Steam Engine” which has never EVER happened to be during a show before. It was actually kind of embarrassing.

b) They didn’t try to “rap” (yes, I know an antiquated term) with the audience. Other than a brief reference to a hot air balloon ride they took earlier that day and how it was “fucking crazy” the band just played, and played, and played for over an hour.
c) Was one of the only shows I’ve been to where I didn’t have the thought “Fuck, is this shit over yet?” AND I’ve had that thought many-a-time, even when I’ve been at shows that I’ve actually enjoyed. Sometimes enough is enough, but with MMJ, it was never enough.

6) What I thought was going to be a very awkward experience, being that I went to the show with my ex boyfriend, ended up being a pretty rewarding experience. And I’m glad I went with him because he introduced me to the band and It Still Moves, in my mind, will always be the unofficial soundtrack of our relationship.

7) Random pictures:





Me trying to fit in with the hippies


Juan trying to fit in with the hippies who were grooving to hip hop - and I'm totally not lying.


Best picture we could get of the My Morning Jacket performance


...cause we are

8) Last song in set: “Anytime”

Again, I found the above clip amusing.