Markie Posts

Party time for Paris

As many bitchy internet-savvy bitches have already known for a few weeks, Paris Hilton’s personal life has been leaked yet again like a busted STD boil. ParisExposed.com - where for a mere price of $39.99 you can learn that Paris likes to smoke tampons - is a new website the delivers what it promises. To make a really long story short, Paris was moving, put her crap in a storage locker, never paid the bills for the storage space (she assumed someone else would pay for her), the items in the locker were auctioned off to a couple for about 2k and they turned them over to the creator of the website who shelled out about a million bucks for Valtrex prescription slips, loves notes, and tons of pictures of Pairs naked. If you’re a cheap ass like me and feel that maybe Paris has something to do with this leak (she obviously loves money and any kind of attention) and that she’s somehow profiting from this mess, you can just watch a sleazy montage put together by the site for free here

OoOoOOrRrR you can look at my below discoveries found leaked all over the inter-nets (you know, those series of tubes?).

What I discovered about Pairs:

1) She was clearly inspired in by Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign in her youth:








2) She has beautiful penmanship:





3) Apparently, she lives in Ohio:



4) Nicole Ritchie's appetite isn't the only thing that's numb:



5) Pairs, a natural beauty, always looks fabulous:





6) Nicky Hilton's nose is TOTALLY natural….



7) She loves people of all ethnicities

UPDATES
8) Her alias 'Amber Taylor' had an abortion
IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay.com

9) When Nicole Ritchie cries, Paris and Nicky continue to smile and pose.

Aw, Nicole are you crying because you're a fatty?

10) Uh, I don't even know what to say about this "Mensa Meeting" below:

....except perhaps....."Nicole finally reunites with her biological father"

Thanks Sarah!

1) Freudian slip yesterday on NPR – there was some kind of jibber jabber about America’s dependence on foreign oil and how we should switch to ethanol derived from corn and then there was some more jibber jabbering, and yada yada’s, mumbo jumbo, and a couple of blah, blah, blah’s. BUT THEN instead of saying “President Bush” some funky-fresh, homoerotic reporter said “the President’s Bush” and I promptly leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and laughed, and laughed, until the car behind me honked viciously because he had to wait a whole .000000000002 seconds for me to go through a light that had just turned green. I think I might’ve given him a dirty look as he zoomed by my driver’s side window, but looking back, I regret my facial expression. Not because it was impulsive and thoughtless (which are two traits that I’m proud to say are distinctly American), but because ultimately it was unpatriotic. I mean isn’t a lack of consideration for others the American way? Isn’t it? I’m not sure. Maybe I should consult the president’s bush. Wasn’t he the one jibber jabbing on the T.V. last night? Oh, no? You say that dick was actually “President Bush”? Ahhhh…..huMm…..so, how long do think it’d take to become a Canadian citizen?

2) Nip Slip - Mena Suvari slips off her bikini top:



Now it’s time for a poem!

Mena Suvari Nipples: a haiku

With a side of eggs
and bacon, your nips complete
a Denny’s Grand Slam

3) Subliminal Slip – McDonalds popped a subliminal advertisement (they actually funded this entire episode) into Iron Chef.


Creepy, huh?

But what I’m wondering is why Iron Chef? Is it because Iron Chef Mario Batali and Grimace share a similar physical appearance?



Is it because a chunk of the show’s audience is stoned college students who might need post-show munchies? Or is it because they want us to mistake Creme Brule for Fruit'n'Yogurt Parfaits? I’m not exactly sure what their reasons are, or if this is the only show that has subliminal advertising in it, but If this is what McDonalds has been up to for the past few decades, no wonder why my sister an I – both buxom screen-watching zombies - felt the need to scarf down so many hormone-induced Chicken McNuggets back in the day.

Thanks for the rack, Micky D’s!

American Idol posts will be up sometime later this week...sorry folks, the CW is airing new episodes of the Gilmore Girls AT THE SAME TIME and we all know where my priorities lie; Lorelai Gilmore 4-Life, ya'll (did anyone else get the symbolism of the snow falling at the end of the episode???). But to sustain those of you who don't understand my obsession with a show targeted towards 17 year-old-girls, here's a clip of someone doing something crazy (shocker!) from last night's Memphis episod of AI, c/o DListed.com

The BEST Birthday gift EVER! He promised me he’d dress like a fancy lady for my birthday, and he so did!

First off, thanks to all who called, emailed, texted and dropped a comment on my ‘Space page, making me feel oh-so-special on my 25th year of life. You guys rock the cat box.

So, because today’s my birthday and being the narcissistic twat that I am, I decided to look up which celebrities share the same blessed falling-out-of-a-momma’s-cooter day.

After extensive research (DListed.com) I must say, some of the people I share birthdays with are super cool, and I’m proud to be born on the same day, but at the same time, there are a few suckers that I want to swap out for other borderline Aquarians who have surrounding birthdays AND are much higher on the awesomeness scale.

Let the listing and the switching commence:


Gabriel Macht
– 35 –
I totally don’t really know who this guy is, but I’m guessing he stole Jacinda (remember from the Real World: London, she was the really cool Australian model who wanted to be a Princess and wore T-Shirts and hippy skirts all the time????) away from chubby-ass Chris Hardwick (Singled Out) and married her. So, this makes the guy awesome, and although I still have no fucking clue who he is, I’ll allow him to keep this as his birth date due mostly to his exquisite taste in women.


Legs open

Willa Ford
– 26 –
This one’s so lame. Didn’t she have like one hit in the late 90’s and ever since has done the typical-B-List gigs like "Dancing with the Stars", VH1 commentary (and not the cool, cynical kind either, usually on shows like “100 Hottest Hotties” where her insightful input is something like “Oh, he’s so hot”) and posing half nude for some sleazy magazine like FHM that’s whole shtick is to publish layouts of the of insecure 20-something-starlets? She’s also engaged to some famous jock…that’s sOoOoo D.J. Tanner of her. I think I’d like to swap this ho for Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) whose 31st birthday was the day before, on January 21st.


Legs closed


Beverly Mitchell
- 26 –
This is that once-busted chick on 7th Heaven who looked like Sloth (c/o The Goonies) next to Jessica Biel who, on the show, played her older sister although Mitchell in real life is older than Biel.

She looks kinda cute now, which leads me to believe she’s had some work done. Whatever, I feel her pain, being that I was the token chunk-a-dunk most of my life who was surrounded by much prettier girls that thought that having a “funny friend” around gave them some kind of personality, kinda like this cunt:


Bah! I will twist your ankle, spit on it, and then try to steal all your friends, argh! I also wear about 389457439579357349739487 gazillion tons of mascara a day, NARF! I'm going to turn into a bat now and suck some virgin's blood!

Therefore I’m down with the Beverly Mitchell-ness. She can keep her birthday.

Olivia d’Abo
- 38 –
Some British child star who was nominated for a Razzie for Worst New Comer and it ruined her career. Although I think her name is cool, I would like to trade her in for the utter hotness that is Stacey Dash (Dionne from Clueless - one of my favorite movies of all time and the reason why my voice sounds the way it does) who’s birthday was on the 20th.

Can you believe this bitch is 41?!?!?!?!?!?! I couldn’t believe it! Because of this revelation, I have posted the video for “All Falls Down” by Kanye West, which was out only a few years back. This means we’re looking at some verging-on-40-ass in this video.

I would like some of this aging magic on my birthday, so Stacy, you’re new B-Day is the 22nd, get used to it.



Diane Lane
– 42 –
No explanation here. She’s beautiful but in interviews always seems so bland, plus she did make that god awful movie, Must Love Dogs where she thought she was Diane Keaton. I’d trade her for Chan Marshall, 35 on the 21st, any fucking day.





Linda Blair
– 48 –
By far the coolest bitch to share birthday with! I bet she knows a lot of fun party games too (Ouija, anyone?). She can share a birthday or a demonic spirit with me any day, but she can keep Rick James’ crush on her. We don’t need to share that. Ewe.

Jim Jarmusch
– 54 –
Independent film maker who directed the movie Stranger Than Paradise which I have never seen, but has been added to my NetFlix List. Apparently, he dropped out of Columbia and used his scholarship money to finance his first film Permanent Vacation. That is what I like to call PUNK ROCK and he can keep his birthday. I’ve heard from many that Columbia is nothing more than over priced branding anyway.

Steve Perry
– 58 –
Uhm, Journey anyone? He so stays.

Piper Laurie
- 75 –
The name Piper = cool. The fact that she dated Ronald Reagan right before Nancy = not cool. The fact that she was in Eulogy , Return to Oz, and Carrie = cool. She was in The Faculty = not cool (although Jon Stewart was in it too = cool, but then this is cancelled out by a starring role by Josh Harnett = uncool.). But the fact that she makes one hot lil’ classic pin up:


=cool

So, she can keep her birthday of 75 years.

You’re welcome.

Wax Figure of The 'Crest

Ever since the amazingly wonderful audition portion of American Idol premiered last Tuesday, Ryan Seacrest has already started spouting off obnoxious shit that I feel no one else is mentioning…or poking fun at. So, I’m going to start a list of annoying Seacrest quotes, starting with:

1 ) "I'm not short, you're short, I'm average."

...In response to a bouncy contestant who attempted to be cute and flirt a little with Seacrest by saying they would make a great pair because they’re both short.

I’m also going to keep two Excel spreadsheets which I will reveal at the end of the audition portion of this season of American Idol.

One spreadsheet, which I will title “Slimey Seacrest” will issue the number of times he 1) proves he has no sense of humor 2) talks about himself 3) acts like a jerk 4) exploits someone else’s flaws for entertainment value, 5) says “Seacrest out” (although this may not happen until the actual competition starts), and finally, 6) hints to the public that he’s not gay, although we all know he is.

The second Excel Spreadsheet will include other aspects of the audition process that I find humorous: 1) Number of times that Paula says something that makes absolutely no sense 2) Number of times contestant uses the wrong door 3) Number of montages or sequences where contestants are linked by a common song 4) Number of contestant outbursts 5) Number of ploys (props, costumes, begging) used by a contestants per episode 6) Number of times a contestant compares themselves to a musician that they do not resemble 7) Number of times Randy uses the word “dawg” 8) Number of times Simon uses the word “karaoke”

I will also honor my favorite rejected contestant in each city:

Minneapolis
* Jason the Juggler *


Watch his whole mess of an audition at UselessJunk.com

This guy was fantastic. Maybe one of my favorite contestants of all time, with angry quotes post-audition such as “I am Minneapolis” and “ but I wanted to start out famous,” screeched by the 15 year-old after his mother tried to console him by reminding him that he was still young, he’s hard not to appreciate. He also tap danced, a timeless and wise move on a show that’s completely about singing.

Seattle
* Timon and Pumbaa *



Can we say Hakuna Matata? These two fleeting BBF’s sparked an instant friendship while waiting in line to audition. Together they practiced, laughed, reminded one another to “drop their jaws”, and provided one another sincere yet dellusional support. It was really sweet, actually, in the same kind of way it was sweet to see Forrest Gump take care of AIDS-infected Jen-nay. PLUS, after Simon comments on Timon’s apperance by saying:

“You look a little odd. The dancing is terrible. The singing was horrendous and you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes. What do they call them? Bush babies.”



Ugly as sin Rosie O’Donnell felt the need to respond, via The View by countering with:

“Isn’t that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone’s physical appearance and then when they leave the room laugh hysterically at them? Three millionaires, one probably intoxicated….”

Probably? Definitely!

Personally, I found it entertaining, unnecessarily mean, but entertaining. And WTF Rosie? Of course people find that kind of trash entertaining, why do you think the media was so engaged in your superficial-verbal-lashing-spar with Donald Trump? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t Rosie attacked his comb over a few times?

Eh, regardless, I gotta hand it to Timon, he handled the insult pretty well, shrugging it off and supporting Pumbaa. While oinkers auditioned, Timon kept his ear pressed to the door and made optimistic comments, not grasping the fact that there wasn't music coming from the audition room, but more like piggish mating calls.

And finally, on a scale of 1-10, I will rate how obnoxious each guest judge was:

Jewel

3

She was far less annoying than her poetry and pretty gentle with contestants’ emotions. Although (I think from poor lighting) she looked so pale that I couldn’t tell where her skin stopped and hair began.

I have a new article out, go read it, like NOW:

Club Hopping: Nomadic Pop Life May Be Headed for the Afterlife at Post

Not exactly the effect I was looking for, I wanted to find one with the hot old lady boobs AND the turkey-neck arms, but you can at least get the idea

Camerson Diaz!


I’m sure most of you were busy last night engaged in socially relevant activities such as zealously reciting “I have a Dream”, brushing up on the meaning behind each day of Kwanzaa, or pouring gin on the curb of your local MLK Blvd., but I was watching the Golden Globes and being that I feel the awards, like most award shows, are merely celebrating mediocrity and politics, here’s me attacking the physical; red carpet fashion. Yay!



Let me start with the afore-posted photo…I caught the show half-way through, so when Diaz walked on stage in “that” to present an award, I shocked and could not stop laughing. From that out-of-place diamond dog-collar bow/belt up, the dress may be conceived as “pretty”, but that skirt, and that bow, and that red lipstick (with a pink dress??? What is she? A Valentine’s Day card?) the whole look is one, big, ruffled disaster. I’m just glad she wasn’t the one responsible for bringing sexy back.

Sienna Miller


All we need are her boobs pushed up to her chin, two big frosty beer mugs in each hand and we’re ready to celebrate Octoberfest. Doesn’t she look like she’s about to mug you? I guess that’s what happens when you’re born with a monkey’s face.

Ali Larter


You can wear all the pretty dresses you want, but you'll always be this girl to me:



Beyonce Knowles


You should’ve seen Beyonce’s fake, shit-eating grin when she lost to Meryl Streep. Girlfriend actually thought she was going to win. You should’ve also seen the part in her hair, all stitching and roots from her 80 lb. wig. With that tacky-ass Miss USA-esque dress and her overtly sexy ‘tude Beyonce could easily be one of Donald Trump’s pageant girls, and hey, I heard they’re looking for a new Miss New Jersey who’s not knocked up. How’s about it Beyonce? You’re an award-whore, don’t you want to add a tiara and a sash to your trophy case?

America Ferrera


I’m not going to diss this Globe-winning actress too much, what she’s doing is somewhat bold, and she looked pretty enough last night. I’m just going to post her acceptance speech.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...thank you!"

Nicolette Sheridan


Is it just me or does she look like she was tied down to a rail road track by a guy with a villainous Salvador Dali mustache?

Hillary Swank


I usually like what she wears, and looking at this dress now, the bows need to go. But from afar and when she was presenting on stage, this dress made her figure look incredible, the smallest waist since Dita Van Tease. Eh, and I can do without the hair clip.

Angelina Jolie


:::yawn::: Beautiful as usual :::yawn:::

Helen Mirren

All night while this old ho who played Queen Elizabeth sat at her Golden Globe table, I kept looking at her and thinking “Wow, I hope I look as great as she does when I’m her age” and then she won an award….and stood up…if I can find a full-body shot later, I’ll post it…but her dress showed massive cleavage, and combo of boobs and sagging arm skin was just too much for me. I felt slightly revolted. She’s still a beautiful woman though

Jennifer Garner


I think Jen “McFatty” Garner’s a really pretty woman, thing is she’s got some serious weight issues. I guess I’m posting her Golden Globe picture with the following quote to contradict one another:

“It got a little ridiculous and I got on the treadmill and I lost weight. It’s that simple. I stopped stuffing my face and I started running and lost weight. I cut out bagels and croissants and muffins and all the good stuff and went back to having a salad once a day with some protein. I can’t do a crash diet. I know that if I do that I’ll just gain more back… There were actually a couple of bikini scenes in ‘Catch & Release,’ where I said, ‘I can’t get ready for a bikini that quickly; take it out.’”

Jennifer Love Hewitt


JLove’s dress was a wreck last night and I think I speak for everyone when I say I prefer Family Guy’s stylistic choices for this starlet:




Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon




As obnoxious as these two can be, I must admit, breaking up does both of these girls some physical good. I mean, I think Drew had the best dress of the night and Reese’s hair looked super cute. What else can I say? No bashing here.